Update: 2011.07.22
This page is expected to be updated regularly according to need and research.
Go to Cluster Table
Dәvâr•im′ 6.7a instructs: "Sharpen" your children in Tor•âh′.
"åÀùÑÄðÌÇðÀúÌÈí ìÀáÈðÅéêÈ and…"
Dәvâr•im′ 11.18-20 instructs: Teach your children the Speakings (i.e., Oral Law = Ha•lâkh•âh′) of Tor•âh′, to be speaking in them….
"Teach your children, to be speaking in them in your sitting in your home, in your walking in the way, and in your lying down and in your getting up. And you shall write them on îÀæåÌæåÉú in your home and in your gates."
çåÉùÒÅêÀ
ùÑÄáÀèåÉ
ùÒåÉðÅà
áÀðåÉ;
åÀàÉäÂáåÉ,
ùÑÄçÂøåÉ
îåÌñÈø
(He who withholds his tribal-scepter eschews his son; but he who loves him, chastening seeks him early.)
Note: Contrary to popular and simplistic misconception–perhaps encouraged by deliberately misleading mistranslation, no tribal scepter was ever an instrument described in Tor•âh′ as an implement for administering a beating. It was a symbol of authority. ("Rod, staff, baton" proper, would be îÇèÌÆä (mat•ëh′.)
Beside applying my super-Mensa IQ to logical analyses, my wife and I have raised a daughter, now in her 20s, who was loved and lauded by all of her teachers from her Israeli Orthodox Jewish elementary school through her Israeli Orthodox high school–where she was president of the student body, she attended the Technion and MIT, graduated from Tel Aviv Univ. (TAU) with a science degree, went to the European finals on the TAU debating team, is working on a Master's in science, has many friends, is well adjusted, happy and the envy of every parent who has met her. This despite our methods being intensely condemned when she was young by the many neighbors, and occasionally even strangers, who "knew" better–some of whom have since discovered that their "enlightened" methods–the product of the latest pyschologists' research–raised spoiled, rebellious, maladjusted and unhappy little monsters who now either cannot get along with a spouse of a premature marriage or, in many cases, even attract a potential mate.
Results stand on their own.
Parents: you are the adults; you are responsible for providing proper and effective leadership. Be sure you're right and fair–always coordinating with spouse before issuing an instruction (if still unsure after consulting spouse, invite input from child as well), then decide and don't waffle. [1] Schedule your affairs allowing generous time to deal with these matters; being pressured for time causes you to cook faster; and [2] keep your cool. No yelling or raising your voice. Don't repeat yourself. No exasperation.
What you do either demonstrates, or completely negates, what you say.
Correction attempted after a misbehavior is confusing, and can even be counter-productive, to a child. Correction must be administered during the misbehavior, while it is occurring, so that the parent's dissatisfaction is clearly connected to the misbehavior.
Without misbehavior, a serious misunderstanding, misperception, a failure to adapt to situations and the like are hidden, building toward a far more devastating eruption in the future. Misbehavior provides the opportunity to recognize a problem and address it. It's essential for the parent to recognize misbehavior as an opportunity to address a problem, to correct and redirect rather than regard the misbehavior as a personal (selfish) tribulation. If the parent doesn't take advantage of the opportunity afforded by misbehavior, then the opportunity is lost, at least temporarily, and the problem festers.
Territorialism is a highly significant factor in parent-child relationships and friction that is typically unrecognized. It is the parents' home. The parents pay the bills and maintain the home. The parents have a right, as the product of their hard work, within reasonable limits, to enjoy their home as they wish. Someday, the child will enjoy the same rights in his or her own home and for the same reason–the product of their own hard work.
Nevertheless, the parents are responsible for having brought the child into the world. That responsibility includes sharing the home in a fair manner, adapting to the child's needs and providing an emotional and spiritual framework amenable to developing an emotionally balanced and spiritually strong person no less than the child's physical needs.
Treat a child as a child, he or she will remain a child. Treat a child as a person–with respect, fairness and dignity, always increasing your expectations of the child while decreasing controls but staying within the child's capabilities–and the child will mature to a person. If the child doesn't fail occasionally then [a] parents are not increasing their expectations fast enough and [b] the child is not learning how to deal with failure that every person inevitably faces–more than once in life. Children must learn that failure is like falling down when playing football. It happens to everyone and is an unavoidable part of life–not the end of life.
On the other hand, when a child is granted unfettered run of the house, getting his or her own way, to do as he or she wishes, without fixed and enforced rules, the territory of the house has de facto been abdicated by the parents and assumed by the child–it is de facto the child's territory! It is completely natural then that the child will defend his or her territory. Failure to recognize this before it happens is the failure of the parent, not the child. Redressing this problem requires reestablishing–patiently, calmly and bit by bit, setting down and consistently enforcing carefully pre-thought-out rules and limits–restoring parental control over the territory that the parents had relinquished to the child.
To mature healthily in preparation to manage their own home someday, every child must learn how to govern their own little territory. Every child, therefore, must be granted limited rights to their own territory (popularly "space"). Their rights must be limited because the parent should remain the ultimate authority of the entire territory of the home. As the child grows older, parents must provide that the child's rights to their own territory increase while the parents increasingly respect the child's privacy, within reasonable limits, in their own territory. While this should usually become reasonably complete in practice by the mid-teens, the child's right becomes complete in an absolute sense only when they move out and establish their own home. The head(s) of the household must always be the head(s) of the entire household. That should be a well-coordinated teamwork between the parents. Parents differing, unable to come to an agreement, is a recipe for disaster.
Some parents believe modern psychologists, providing only "positive motivation," never punishment or discipline. Other parents employ whippings or "lashes." Both of these opposite extremes should be viewed as equally child abusive, turning out everything from pathological monsters to emotional train wrecks, respectively. The moderate approach of Tor•âh′ recognizes that age creates a turning point in the type of discipline to which children respond constructively.
Before the child masters language to the point you can reason with them, what I call an "attention getter" is highly effective–but only when used at the proper moment. An "attention getter" is an extension of the arm and hand that makes contact with a threatening noise but causes no pain or physical injury. It's not punishment. It simply makes a sharp noise with enough contact to startle, really startle, and get their full and undivided attention at that moment. I used a loosely rolled newspaper, no more than 4-5 pages or so, just enough not to fold over on contact. To give you a better idea, if I'd used it on a fly it might not have killed the fly. This is not to inflict pain or punishment. It must not be capable of inflicting pain or injury. But it should make a sharp threatening sound when stuck on the side of your leg (first step) or (second step, only if needed) the child's diaper (far better sound effect and only safe spot for toddlers), bottom (if out of diapers) or upper leg.
Mock-striking "attention getters" are not only ineffective on older children they become counter-productive; generating hostility, rebellion, defiance and even open hatred–sometimes irreparable. Once children achieve language proficiency, parents must rely on reason: appealing to fairness, reason and explanation. If you're not right to begin with then you're embarking on an impossible journey, and rightly so. First, be sure your fair and right. You're not right simply because you're the parent. A parent who is just (fair) recognizes his or her imperfectness and forthrightly admits when he or she has made a mistake–setting an example for the child's behavior with an admission and apology. Mistakes happen. "Because I said so" is a sure recipe for parental failure. Increasingly, the child is maturing to wonder–justifiably (being a person deserving dignity and consideration too), "What about what I think?" If you want the child to mature into a thinking and respected adult then you must respect the child no less than you require the child to respect you. Respect is a two-way street and children are (under-developed) people.
Thoughtlessly, parents typically reward bad behavior. The child misbehaves, disobeys, cries, screams, throws a tantrum–and Mom or Dad tries to comfort the child, encourage the child and cuddle the child. That Mom or Dad is rewarding the child's misbehavior, disobedience, crying, screaming or throwing a tantrum!!! More, of greater intensity, are sure to come because that is what they are communicating to the child. You'll see it in many parents every day everywhere you go. Let the psychologists raise their own little monsters. In the meantime, these are the parents who "counsel" you that you're doing things all wrong. Recognize that they are the patients trying to run the institution.
When a child exhibits any of these symptoms the first priority is not to reward that behavior or you'll see it repeatedly with increasing intensity. Resign yourself to rearrange your schedule because you will not fix this in two minutes and being pressured to be someplace or do something else only makes your patience and calmness cook away faster. Your child has to come first—right now! Not later. Read carefully the emotions on the child's face. This is essential: later, you'll need to recognize a definite change of emotions in this face. Solving this problem will require calm, patiently waiting out the storm until [1] the child has exhausted the undesirable behavior and [2] transitioned into a submissive state. If you don't achieve #2 you will have wasted the entire effort and achieved nothing. It is not enough for the child to stop the undesired behavior! It will take another, shorter, period to notice a definite change in the emotions you can read in the child's face: this time, submissiveness. You must wait until the child becomes willing (transitions from anger to submissive) to do as you instruct.
Your calm and patient refusal to cave to the misbehavior will almost certainly be misread by public observers as callousness and heartlessness, but it will translate to the child as a rock of charisma and leadership commanding that child's respect. It is one solid step in the right direction toward a healthier child emotionally and a healthier parent-child mutual-respect relationship. This bad behavior was learned from the parent over time and it will take time to undo. Repeating this every time it happens–consistency–will eventually lead to a more amicable relationship.
Leadership and charisma are the result of carefully pre-thought expectations (rules) that are fair and reasonable, calmly but firmly enforced.
Carefully pre-thought expectations (rules) always point to a higher, recognized Authority (namely, Tor•âh′); never self-proclaimed personal authority. (Always, "Tor•âh′ teaches…"; never, "Because I say so!" – or "Because the rabbi says so!") Therefore, carefully pre-thought expectations (rules) are always compatible with, deriving from, Tor•âh′. The child has the same right to tzëd′ëq as the parent, and only Tor•âh′ is tzëd′ëq.
Child Symptom Cluster: aggressive, rebellious, bullying
Parental Challenge –
Parents may be neglectful, all-accepting or abusive; but in each of these cases the family lacks a leader. Human nature doesn't permit a leadership vacuum. Ergo, the child assumes leadership of his or her known territory, including new territory, due to the lack of any alternative. The child develops a habit of self-absorbed self-reliance without regard for others who, the child feels, should be his or her followers accepting his or her unquestioned choices. Questioning that rule is casus belli.
Solution –
Children made leader of a home are singularly maladjusted and unhappy in the loneliness of rule, even in their own limited vision of territory; the younger the more inadequate and correspondingly unhappy. This perspective was learned over time (by the parents abdication–failure to set limits and enforce rules in their territory calmly but firmly and consistently) and undoing the problem similarly requires time, patience and consistency to help the child adapt to new conditions and expectations (well pre-thought out limits and rules consistently and calmly enforced).
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Child Symptom Cluster: anxious, nervous, fearful, timid – insecurity
Parental Challenge –
Anxiety, nervousness, fearfulness and timidness are all products of insecurity. Insecurity arises out of conditions, controlled by parents, that either preclude the child from understanding or satisfying expectations (limits and rules) or goals. Inconsistency–moving the goalposts–makes it impossible for a child to adhere to ambiguous and conflicting expectations. Inability to gain experience of successes in satisfying expectations or goals translates to insecurity, the lack of opportunity to gain confidence in succeeding.
Solution –
Fair and clear expectations (limits and rules) must be established and consistently enforced. A continuing, formally scheduled and monitored, inquiry should by initiated to explore the child's talents, strengths and weaknesses relative to his or her interests in an eventual career. Setting attainable and quantifiable goals with quantifiable milestones is essential. At any point, it should be clear what milestones have been achieved, what milestones remain to be achieved, defining at every point in time how much progress has been made to the current goal. Parents should always be aware that this can change numerous times. Nevertheless, the continuing inquiry, with schedules and records, is essential to eventual success.
Parents must be particularly careful in agreeing with their child on goals and milestones that they are achievable, within the child's capabilities. Setting limits as well as goals is equally important to achieve balance.
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Child Symptom Cluster: obsession, phobia
Parental Challenge –
Obsessions and phobias are caused by a traumatic experience or a succession of complementary contributing experiences. Both are exaggerations built on a platform of underlying fear.
Solution –
The underlying platform of fear must be reduced, gradually, depending on the initial degree of terror intensity or obsession. Build trust through calmness and designing a gradual withdrawal that is quantifiable (demonstrating to the child his or her success at each step), repetition (repeat each step until it becomes effortless before moving to the next step) and patience.
Do not fall into the trap of entirely eliminating the object of the obsession of phobia. Complete avoidance feeds and intensifies the fear, amplifying the obsession or phobia.
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Child Symptom Cluster: disobedient, belligerent, screaming, tantrums
Parental Challenge –
Parents have failed to establish and enforce fair, well-defined and fixed boundaries.
Solution –
These have been allowed to fester into hard cases. They are merely extremes of some of the other symptom clusters that have been allowed to intensify while parents remained in denial. Undoing this error requires following the general principles, set forth above, calmly, firmly and consistently over a considerable period of repeated instances of calm, patient, clear determination and explanations enforced with complete but fair consistency (something the child can predict reliably, yet fair).
Belligerence and tantrums require foresight in scheduling to set aside adequate time to deal patiently and calmly with an upcoming situation in which the onset of belligerence or a tantrum is predictable. I often see children throwing screaming tantrums in the same situation, morning after morning. It's often predictable and time can be built-in, scheduled (at least after the first episode the amount of time until the child exhausts the misbehavior becomes somewhat predictable), to deal with it patiently and calmly. Remedying this cluster requires feigning not noticing the misbehaving child–for as long as (s)he misbehaves. I say feigning because the parent has to adroitly keep an eye on the child to ensure his or her safety (that the child doesn't walk out in traffic or into some other dangerous situation). However, public opinion is your enemy. If caving to public opinion rules, then you don't, the child's behavior wins and the problem persists and intensifies.
The child must, with every episode, thoroughly exhaust himself or herself of this behavior, while being ignored by the parent. The worst thing a parent can do is acknowledge a child before the child has completely "gotten over" this misbehavior, tears all gone and mind moved on to something else in a different state. Be prepared that your first attempt is the worst. The behavior has always worked for the child. Now, suddenly and without warning, something isn't working for him or her. It's always worked, so try harder. You must ensure that it does not work again. The more tenacious and determined the child, the longer you'll have to "ignore" this misbehavior out.
On the bright side, tenacity and determination are great characteristics when properly directed. The more you suffer, the stronger the character potential (i.e., spirit), once properly directed, your child has. As much as practical, the parent should carry on as if the misbehavior was not happening at all. If the episode occurs, for example, when putting the child in the car seat, then carry on putting them in the car seat. But you don't want to drive with this distraction pressuring you. Sit in the car patiently until the child transitions fully. (You don't want the child to start up again when you drive off. Make sure he or she is thoroughly finished with the misbehavior.)
Certainly, do not reward the misbehavior even with acknowledgment during the misbehavior, much less comforting or affection. When the child has exhausted himself or herself of this behavior, (s)he will transition to a submissive state and the parent can then repeat (and, if necessary, enforce) the original instruction that led to the misbehavior. Misbehavior 0, Success +1. Each episode is likely to be less severe than the last until, at some point, the child abandons the misbehavior as ineffective and unacceptable to you–the authority.
Again, do not fall into the trap of eliminating a limit or boundary to circumvent dealing with the problem. (E.g., don't hire a babysitter to avoid having to put the child into the car seat. If a child watches TV before doing homework, don't get rid of the TV—deal with the problem, don't circumvent dealing with it.) Elimination of limits and boundaries feeds and intensifies the underlying frustration that is compelling the child to insist on defining his or her own limits and boundaries, amplifying the unwanted behavior.
Somewhere in the child's life he or she will have to deal with it. The world is not going to spin in a different direction to avoid conflict with your child. If your child watches TV before completing homework and you sell the TV, someday in his or her life that child is going to have to deal with another TV–and you've avoided preparing that child to succeed. If it's minor and lacking a long-term component, perhaps it's best to let it slide in the pursuit of family tranquility. But if there is a long-term component the child will be required to face in the future, then deal with it. Don't leave it to fester and further injure the child's emotional and spiritual health.
Dangerous things must be kept from the reach of toddlers. However, when a toddler becomes proficient enough in language to understand limits, then it's time to set limits regarding comparatively safe items. If the child insists on trying to play with an item on a coffee table that you've forbidden the child to touch, then do not move that item (unless it's dangerous or valuable, in which case replace it with something equally attractive to the child that is safe and inexpensive). Teach limits; unless the object is truly undesirable don't avoid dealing with the limit by removing the object. Such avoidance encourages ignoring limits, assuming "if it's there it's mine"–a territorial issue. The first time the child touches it, say "No!" assertively but not angrily or shouted. Have in mind a definite safe zone around the item and be prepared to spend some calm patient time because, in all likelihood, the child is going to test you to precisely define the limit and whether you really mean it: to see how close he or she can come without being admonished. Protect your predefined safe zone consistently and the child will learn where is ok to touch and where is not. The child is not deliberately tormenting you; (s)he is honing in on the limit in actual practice.
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Child Symptom Cluster: territorial
Parental Challenge –
Every person, including children, either follow, lead or sleep; often alternating roles. If the parent doesn't lead, a priori, that leaves the child to lead himself or herself, along with whomever and whatever he or she can control, set his or her own limits and boundaries, etc.
Solution –
Using the general principles outlined above, set, and calmly and consistently, enforce limits and rules over your territory. What you fail to define as your territory the child will assume by default. Parents must claim all of their house and property as their territory, then conditionally grant limited territorial rights to well-defined areas to each child. Only then is it possible for the child to understand the limits of their territorial rights. It's up to parents to define it for them.
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Child Symptom Cluster: Irresponsible
Parental Challenge –
Irresponsibility results from parental failure to train the child, building experience, by working together showing the child how to assign and manage (schedule) tasks, setting up quantifiable milestones and due dates to monitor progress, for which the child is then held responsible to complete–on time. The parent must be careful not to be too ambitious initially in setting the goal or the milestones. Setting goals (or milestones) too ambitiously ensures failure, reinforcing and intensifying irresponsibility. Reminding the child of upcoming due dates (much less nagging) must be avoided in order to keep the responsibility on the child. Acting in response to prompting or nagging is not learning responsibility; rather, it further reinforces the child's tendency to rely–instead–on the parents to keep up with it. The parent is thereby teaching the child how to pass the buck. Parents must allow the child space to learn responsibility. Failure, then being held accountable, is an opportunity for learning not something to be avoided because dealing with the failure is too much trouble for the parent.
Solution –
Assign the child responsibilities within his or her abilities, together with the child agree on due dates for assessing completion or failure of milestones and goals. Do not remind (much less nag) the child in the interim. Hold the child responsible and accountable on the due date. Responsibility is a serious issue that requires good record-keeping and an effective alert-reminder system to monitor progress. If the parent loses track, forgets or mismanages, how can the child be held to a higher standard?
While the initial planning should be done in concert with the child, once the goal, and quantifiable milestones en route to attaining the goal, are set, the onus must be left entirely to the child to remember and succeed–just as a boss would expect a job to be completed on time, by deadline. (Milestones must be quantifiable. That is, there must never be ambiguity whether the milestone was achieved on time. That is how progress toward the goal is monitored and kept on schedule.) Don't leave the child to learn the consequences of irresponsibility by getting fired as an adult. Unfortunately, school teachers cannot be firm, so the child won't learn it at school. As the child learns over time, gaining experience, the more the parent can simulate an adult work situation, the more effective this exercise for the long-term benefit of the child. Although patience will be needed as the child learns to become responsible, reward (including comfort or affection in connection with this exercise) should be withheld for non-compliance with the deadline (to which the child agreed). This also teaches the child to be responsible about agreeing only to deadlines that he or she is confident he or she can satisfy in the first place. (This does not mean that the parent shouldn't show sympathy, approval and affection in other areas; just not in connection with a milestone or goal that has not been properly completed and on time.)
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Child Symptom Cluster: Risk-Taking, Gambling, Escapism, Drugs
Parental Challenge –
This section is limited to the preference for accepting minor risks, betting (gambling) on an easier outcome, in order to avoid investing work, often a factor of procrastinating. Gambling and other Risk-Taking is a form of betting on a shortcut to a good outcome to avoid the standard way of earning and building a good outcome. This is a form of escapism from the current reality that the child regards as unsatisfactory, the point where alcohol, sex and drugs enter as a prime means of escape, perhaps a signal of lack of self-confidence as well–I can't make it by working for it so I'll gamble (drink, take drugs, engage in sex), often irrespective of the risk.
Solution –
Clearly, goal-oriented exercises that build self-confidence are helpful; the more milestones successfully achieved and on time the more confidence is generated. The exercise requires the parent to afford the child increased space to succeed or fail, often an additional–and essential–benefit. Micro-controlling a child can not only cause rebelliousness, it can also cause a desperation of risk-taking and escapism. Success is learned through opportunities to work through failure (opportunities to assess and address reasons for failures) and build on successful experiences–both of which require exercises that generate them.
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Child Symptom Cluster: Indecisive, Procrastinates (I put this one off 'til last 
)
Parental Challenge –
This is one of the most indirect and challenging misbehaviors to remedy. Procrastination is not laziness, it is some combination of a lack of motivation, an overly perfectionist lack of reality check [maybe I'll come up with something better later, before the deadline, if I postpone deciding or acting now], or a lack of consequences. "Procrastinators are made not born. Procrastination is learned in the family milieu, but not directly. It is one response to an authoritarian parenting style. Having a harsh, controlling father keeps children from developing the ability to regulate themselves, from internalizing their own intentions and then learning to act on them. Procrastination can even be a form of rebellion, one of the few forms available under such circumstances. What's more, under those household conditions, procrastinators turn more to friends than to parents for support, and their friends may reinforce procrastination because they tend to be tolerant of their excuses… There are big costs to procrastination. Health is one. Just over the course of a single academic term, procrastinating college students had such evidence of compromised immune systems as more colds and flu, more gastrointestinal problems. And they had insomnia. In addition, procrastination has a high cost to others as well as oneself; it shifts the burden of responsibilities onto others, who become resentful. Procrastination destroys teamwork in the workplace and private relationships" (http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200308/procrastination-ten-things-know; accessed 2011.07.25).
Solution –
Lack of Motivation – This is the simplest cause to deal with. If it's something that has to be done then "vivid-ify" the consequences of not meeting the deadline, including the health drain caused by excessive pressure caused by leaving the brunt of the work until the last minute. If it's something voluntary, find something that is more interesting with a goal that is sufficiently motivating to the child.
Perfectionism – Rationalizing that one may come up with a better (more perfect) idea morphs into betting–gambling (another problem behavior)–that one will come up with a better idea before the deadline. Thus, in addition to possibly reflecting latent perfectionism, it may also reflect over-confidence.
Lack of Consequences – You can't fire your child. Neither can you punish a child for something as indirect as failure to complete a goal successfully by a deadline. You can, and should, refrain from sympathizing or comforting a child relative to this failure but because it is something not done, how does one admonish a child for something that isn't? It's a bit abstract. It would seem that the most effective way would be to connect a lack of accomplishment with a lack of positive–very much anticipated–reward, something like a skateboard or a bike. However, if the child fails to accomplish the goal on time the parent must exercise self-discipline not to be swayed by the child's begging or complaining–or giving the skateboard or bike at a birthday or Pës′akh despite having failed to earn it through the exercise. Of course, the child must be advised up-front that agreeing to the exercise, while holding out the opportunity to succeed and obtain the reward, also holds the risk of failure to achieve the goal that would mean the reward will not be given outside of the exercise, or until a new, similar, exercise is achieved successfully and on time. Caving on this teaches the child that procrastination has no negative consequences. The same exercise may be repeated only if starting over from the beginning. A "second chance," by merely extending a deadline, rewards procrastination – the exact opposite of what is desired.
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